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In substance abuse counseling, you see it all the time. It is the dynamic between a parent and an addicted child. The child is angry with his parent. Instead of dealing with his addiction, he is scowling and rolling his eyes at a distraught mom whom he is shaming for looking through his things.

My son and I had a conversation about privacy before he became a teenager. I established my position from the beginning. First and foremost, I own everything. He had NOTHING that wasn’t provided for him. Secondly, I had access to EVERYTHING that I owned. Out of respect for his privacy about his maturing body, I promised not to walk in on him if he was changing clothes. Otherwise, his door was to remain open and unlocked.

I believe that most parents are very trusting of their children until a child starts behaving uncharacteristically. It wasn’t until my child started retreating to his room when he received certain phone calls that I started taking note. When he started closing his door and I had to remind him to open it, I began to wonder. When he became guarded about my entering his room, I asked myself why. When I reached for his book bag and he grabbed it first, I became curious.

A defining moment was when I told him I was going into his room to get my CD. Though he was involved in a phone conversation, he ran from the living room to his doorway with a startled expression. Confused by his behavior, I said, “I was just getting my Fantasia CD that I had asked you to return some days ago.” Breathing as if he had just run a marathon, he said, “you were gonna go into my room without asking?”

Metaphorically speaking, this was when the flares were launched and grabbed the attention of the rescue party. I asked why he had a problem with my going into his room. He tried to play it off by saying that it wasn’t that he had a problem with my going into his room. It was that he knew better than I where the CD was. He even made it sound like he was looking out for my best interest. I opted not to press the issue.

Rather, I waited until he left for school the next day. I searched his drawers, underneath his bed, and his closet. Whew, good, no drugs, nothing stolen. Then my wise self whispered, “Check the boom box.” Yes, I wanted my CD which, by the way, he couldn’t find. I clicked the eject button. Voila, there it was. Wait a minute, it wasn’t my CD! I pressed play and was startled by blaring harsh lyrics.

Previously, my child and I had had multiple discussions about music brought into our home. He defended that it was just music and that rappers had a right to express their reality. I clarified that I like both rap and hip-hop. I like the rhythms and the flavor of the music. But I detest the violent, disrespectful, sexually exploitive content. So when the lyrics chanted the *itch word and other slurs against women, Sojourner Truth’s words echoed, “Ain’t I a woman?”

At this point, I started thinking back over my son’s behavior. He had been more edgy and flippant. He would respond with sarcasm and challenged what I asked him to do. He was preoccupied with “spitting” as the kids call it. He said he had skills and was networking with others on the internet to help him perfect his lyrics. Yet, he’d nervously hit the close key when I approached.

News flash: TEENAGERS LIE. No matter how sweet and docile their presentation, parents need to keep their eyes and ears open. Doesn’t matter whether they are making good grades in school, behave responsibly, or are preaching on the street corner, they are highly suggestible, inexperienced about life, and most of all, they think they know better.

Let me give you some other sobering realities. Suicide among teens is on the rise across cultures and ethnicities. Teen dating violence is rampant. Almost daily, there are news reports of deaths from teen drug use or alcohol. In this day and time, a parent cannot afford to look the other way. Trust your instincts! Get up-close and personal. Your child’s welfare is at stake.

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A parent writes in, “We are having a hard time in our family deciding on appropriate punishments when our teen-ager breaks family rules. We can’t tell if we are too strict or too lenient. What can we do?'’

This seems to be a place where many parents get stuck. Questions about appropriate punishment and consequences are very important.

Now notice, if you will, that I just said punishment and consequences, not just punishment. This is because I believe there is an important distinction to be made.

The difference has to do with what our goal is in responding to unacceptable and inappropriate behavior.

If it’s to vent our anger, control the teen-ager and provoke resentment, then punishment is the way to go.

If, on the other hand, our goal is to send a clear message, manage and guide the teen-ager, and provide instruction about life, then consequences are the way to go.

The purpose of establishing consequences for behavior is to teach about the real world.

There are basically two kinds of consequences - natural and logical.

Natural consequences occur naturally, as a result of behavior and choices. In the adult world, if we run red lights, we can get hit and hurt; if we don’t show up for work without a reason, we can get fired.

In the world of kids, there are times when allowing natural consequences to occur is much too dangerous. A parent should never allow the natural consequences of running into a busy street, for example, to occur.

When natural consequences are too dangerous, it’s time to create logical consequences. In general, these involve some loss of privileges as a result of irresponsible behavior.

There are two general models that I use when structuring appropriate logical consequences.

The first was designed by Stephen Glenn, the author of “How to Raise Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World.” It involves the three R’s of logical consequences: related, respectful and reasonable.

Related. Related simply means related to the behavior. If a child violates curfew, making him stay late at school or mow the lawn is not related. The temporary loss of the privilege of going out is related.

Respectful. We need to avoid two things here: The first is humiliating the teen-ager; the second is inconveniencing the adult.

Reasonable. “You are grounded for life and will never see the light of day again'’ is unreasonable. “Your behavior and choices have caused you to lose the privilege of going out tomorrow night'’ is reasonable.

I have found Glenn’s model very useful in my work with families. To these three R’s, I’ve added three S’s: strong, swift and short-term.

Strong. “Honey, I really wish you wouldn’t come in so many hours after your curfew'’ is not strong. Losing the privilege of going out on the very next opportunity is strong.

Swift. Adults and teen-agers differ in their perception of time. As adults, if we are told a project is due in two months, we know we need to get moving yesterday. For many teens, two months equals eternity, which equals no motivation.

For consequences to be effective, they need to be closely linked in time to the misbehavior.

For teen-agers, not being able to go on a trip six months from now for flunking a test is ineffective. Having to spend extra time during the next three days studying and therefore losing the privilege of afternoon free time is swift and effective.

Short-term. When I was 13 years old, my parents grounded me for life. (If you want to find out why, come to one of my seminars!) For logical consequences to be effective, they need to be relatively short-term. Again, this goes back to the issue of time.

For most teen-agers, anything lasting longer than a few days or weeks (as long as the consequence is strong and swift) becomes ineffective. Anything longer breeds resentment, contempt and revenge, and negates any lessons about life that might have been taught.

The purpose of parenting teens is to prepare them for life on their own. Using the R’s and S’s of consequences can allow the parents to be in charge while teaching the lessons of life.

For more tips and strategies for managing the teen years, visit parenting coach Jeff Herring’s ParentingYourTeenager.com and check out his Back to School Success Tips.

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Raising children is one of the most fulfilling jobs in the world. However, it is also one of the most difficult. Here are 5 tips that will make you a more effective parent.

1. Be a Good Role Model

You are your child’s number one standard. Your child learns a great deal about how to act simply by watching you. This is even more true when they are younger.

Therefore, it is important that you model the traits that you wish to cultivate in your child. Respect, friendship, honesty, kindness, and trust are all great lessons that can be taught right at home simply by your actions.

2. Give Them Your Undivided Time

Time is the most important gift that you can give your children. This can often be hard in a world of demands and deadlines, but it can make all the difference in your child’s life. Children who do not receive the attention that they need will often react in misbehavior because they know that this is the quickest way to get attention. Go to any school and you will see that this is true. The ones who misbehave always get much more attention than those that are well-behaved.

Therefore, it is important that you take time out each day to spend some quality time with your children. This can be as simple as having a family dinner or organizing one day out of the week to have a family game night.

Sometimes the little things can make the biggest difference. Putting a little note in their lunchbox, playing cards, reading to them, tucking them in at night. All of these things show your child that you care.

3. Be Flexible with Your Parenting Style

All kids are different and therefore no single parenting style will work for all children. It’s not a step-by-step formula although we might sometimes wish it was.

Children also develop at different speeds and stages. Although other children may be potty-trained, your child may still not be ready, and that’s usually o.k. Sometimes our expectations are simply too high.

As a parent, you must constantly adjust your parenting styles because what works this year probably will not work next year.

However, it is important that you always make yourself available to your children. As they grow older they will start looking more to their peers and others for role-models. However, if they choose the wrong ones, you should tell them why you think so. If you make time for your children at a young age, they will probably make time for you when they are older.
It’s a two-way relationship.

4. Show Your Children that Your Love is Unconditional

Your children should know that your love is unconditional, that even when they mess up horribly that you still love and care for them. Make sure he or she knows that you expect better of them but that your love is there no matter what. When I was young, my dad would tell me that he loved me unconditionally and it was one of the many reasons that we are so close. Your actions can show your kids that you love them, but they need to hear it too.

5. Reward Your Child for Being Good

Positive reinforcement often works better than negative guidance. Often times, we criticize far more than we compliment without even recognizing it.

Whenever possible, catch your child when they are doing something right, and comment on it. It doesn’t matter whether they made their bed without asking, cleaned off the kitchen table, or were patient with a sibling. Your encouraging words will spur even further good behavior. Be generous with your rewards - your love, hugs, and compliments can work miracles in your child’s life. You may soon find that they are learning kindness, trust, and love directly from you. There are many influences in the world that can effect your child, make sure that you teach them what’s most important.

Alli Ross is the hip mama at the Baby Names Box, where you can search for baby names and their meanings.

Spanish Baby Names

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